Fortunately, That’s Just Me

I was 17 when I first kissed a girl. 

I was also 17 when I first had a crush on a girl. 

No, those were two entirely different people. 

When you’re 17 what the hell do you think you know anyways? 

When you grow up watching princes chase princesses, climbing up towers to reach their one and only true love with long shiny hair. Grow up watching your mom and dad converse over the dinner table, grow up listening to your relatives jokingly ask you ‘Eh, got boyfriend already?’ every time there’s a family dinner, grow up listening to your friends describe their crush being ‘handsome, manly, 6 packs and tall’. 

Isn’t it comfortable just knowing you fall within what’s considered normal? You don’t have to stray anywhere else to find answers since everyone seems to have them. 

Here’s the damn thing, you think you know everything until something out of your usual rinse and repeat happens. You think everything is all Gucci until suddenly you’re wondering if you’re staring at that one cute girl at tuition a bit too long. Do I just appreciate how she looks or is it something deeper? Is it normal that I am fantasizing about kissing that one classmate who sits in the back row? But at the same time, I also really like thinking about another cute boy with glasses who sits next to me in Chemistry tuition. At 17, you really don’t know anything about yourself until you really sit and think about it. 

And that’s exactly what I did. 

Here’s what happened: 

I realised I had a crush on a girl. Check. 

I had a minor freak out. Check. 

I googled what it meant and attempted to educate myself. Check. 

My best friend at the time and I kissed just to see how it feels. Check. 

And now what? 

I have come to terms with the fact that I like both men and women. And that’s okay. Did I ever think it wasn’t okay? Nope. Not a second did I ever think about that but I’ve had people say ‘Oh, it just means you like admiring girls from afar since you’ve only dated men’ or’ Oh, you just like trying?’. I’ve dated boys, a few of them, but still found myself with crushes on several girls that I’ve met briefly in passing. I’ve spent time wondering to myself if there’s something wrong with me, feeling confused about wanting to hold their hand when I clearly liked boys. People think it has to be a 50/50, you have to date the exact ratio of that specific gender to be labelled Bi-Sexual. 2 boys and 2 girls, then boom! Here’s your license to be a professional Bi-Sexual! 

Let me count using my fingers how many boys I’ve dated versus how many girls I’ve dated. The majority were boys, so is it safe to assume that I’m straight? Clearly, I’m not Bi enough to be Bi if I were to follow those standards. Here’s the term that I’ve learnt: Bisexual Erasure

“Bisexual erasure is the erasing of the bisexual identity in history, society, academics and even ourselves. It stems from the idea that bisexual people are either gay or straight, and are just “confused” or “slutty.” The underlying assumption is that being attracted to both genders, in whatever ratio, is impossible.” 

Sexuality is a spectrum, there’s more out there than straight or gay. From mostly liking one gender but being interested in the other, too to only liking one gender to being totally non-sexual. And all are equally real and valid.

I am bisexual with a preference for men. 

Yes, I have only dated men. 

But I still identified as bisexual.

Why? Because I spent so long trying to pretend my desires for the same sex were irrelevant due to my desires for the opposite sex. It’s all bullshit. Because even though I have not had the opportunity to date a woman, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Because the actions and activities of my dating and sexual life don’t define my identity; I do. Sexual orientation is based on who you are and how you feel, not what you do.

People always tend to over explain themselves and end their dramatic speech with ‘Well, unfortunately that is just me.’ But I think that’s just overrated. Too bad for you, but not for me. So why unfortunately? Lucky me, that I know myself well enough to establish the white lines and the grey linings. The threads that string me together I know them well. I’m just me. And it’s very fortunate that I am. 

I’m so glad that I’m me, and nobody else.

Article by Christie Wong

“love always wins. love has no gender. love is love. i am born this way. i am who i am”
Happy Pride Month

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