“FINDING BELONGING IN FAMILIARITY” – Brandon Lim

“When people ask me where I’m from, I always say Malaysia, but honestly sometimes I really do feel like I’m not.” 

Brandon Lim was only twelve years old when he moved to Bulgaria due to family circumstances. He finished off his high school education and spent a majority of his adolescence, one of the most tumultuous periods of his life, in a foreign land. Being a member of a minority in a predominantly European country is already difficult enough, “I-eat-dog” jokes notwithstanding, there is a sense of loneliness and emptiness when you look around and can’t seem to find someone that looks like you, thinks like you or is brought up like you. 

“Of course I recognised that it was a privilege for me to be able to study abroad, it’s a dream for a lot of people I know, but it still kind of sucks because I was involuntarily uprooted, in a sense?” 

So, when he returned to Malaysia in June of 2020, right smack dab in the middle of a growing pandemic, with the hope of finally feeling a sense of belonging, he found himself devastatingly disappointed. Although often picked on for his Asian heritage back in Bulgaria, Brandon found himself unable to immediately reconnect to his Malaysian roots. 

“The moment I open my mouth, it’s like people kind of know you don’t belong and I do get a lot of jokes about being white-washed because of the way I speak or my way of thinking which is obviously a bit more liberal and Western-centric than that of a typical Malaysian Chinese. I started to really consciously and subconsciously believe that I didn’t belong anywhere.” 

In fact, when Brandon first came to Malaysia, he didn’t even know what the word “paiseh” meant, a fact that most of us can’t really wrap our head around because we’ve been using words like that our entire lives. This resulted in him throwing himself into anything and everything extra-curricular he could get his hands on to fill in the metaphorical and physical loneliness he was feeling. There was a sense of overcompensation, to make up for all the time that he had lost. 

“Of course I do it for the resume, but I think a big part of me also did it for the networking?’ Because the moment I came into Monash, it was like everyone sort of knew each other from college or high school or through some small other connection. I wanted to get more in tune with the people around me, trying to find my niche or the group of people whom I could finally say ‘Yeah, these are the people I resonate with’. But it did take a toll on me after a while, mentally and physically just trying to keep up with everything I was putting myself through.” 

Even his own family found it hard to relate to his situation. In many ways, for a large portion of his life he was raised as an only child in Bulgaria. His two older sisters, whom he has a large age gap with, were both raised in Malaysia and thus couldn’t really understand what he was going through. Combining that with the culture and gender gap resulted in some tension during their interactions, especially when it came to communication. These intrusive thoughts soon began to seep into other aspects of his life. 

“I’d often ask myself whether I would ever be able to find someone that I can love? Or a group of friends that truly understand who I am and where I’m coming from?” 

However, despite all of the uncertainty, the lonely nights, the constant wondering, the Brandon in front of me is one who seems to be enthused by life.

“How do you feel now? After spending some time back in Malaysia and with your newfound circle of friends?” I asked, curious. 

“A lot more grounded honestly, and I think my current circle of friends here have played a huge role in the matter. Who I am fundamentally has not changed but I have definitely matured a lot more than when I first came back. I feel a lot more at home here in Malaysia than I did in the year of Bulgaria, but at the same time, a part of me will always belong there. In many ways, I think I will always be in search of something and that is not necessarily a bad thing, I don’t see it as something I lack but more of as a journey of self-discovery.”

Featuring Brandon

Article by Ashley; Photos by Tshe