It’s been so long since I’ve spoken about this part of my life, and it’s not something that you bring up casually, and even if I do speak about it casually, I just mention it like: 

“Oh yeah, she passed away ten years ago”. 

You know something I thought about, her birthday was earlier this week and I forgot. That really upset me because I always thought she was the most important person in my life, but now I’m forgetting things about her more and more. If you had asked me back then, like 10 years ago, what my favorite moments with her were, I’d tell you everything and now I can’t even remember things. They say people live on through your memories, so if I forget everything, then she’s just gone and that really sucks.

When I started developing consciousness, she was already diagnosed with cancer. It was a very slow process. She got sick and then the sicker she got, the skinnier she would get, and she looked like she could die at any moment. She had to shave her head for chemo, and she wore wigs to hide it. But after a while she stopped because, I’m not too sure why.  But she still tried to be a loving mother.

August 16th, 2011, that was the day she died. As we lowered her into the ground, my father had a stone face. I was crying my eyes out; it was a very somber day. I still regret what I did that day. I was 10, and the concept of death hadn’t really hit me. 

My maid came to me and said, “She’s going to pass away, you better go say your goodbyes,” 

But I didn’t. I didn’t go. I don’t know why I slept it off, I didn’t want to deal with that as a child, and then I woke up and she was dead. I don’t remember what the last thing I said to her was. This is what I mean when I say I don’t remember most of these things. We didn’t make the funeral known to my school; it was mostly just family. I don’t remember much, but to generalize it, I got support from people, my high school drama teacher, especially, helped out a lot.

The thing with grieving is you have these things; rituals I’d say that you like to do when they first pass away. When I was 12, I’d visit her grave every Sunday and I’d just talk to her and sit. It wasn’t a marked grave, it was just a small bump. I stopped after a while, I don’t know why. And now of course I don’t because I’m 6000 kilometers away from that grave. Essentially, you don’t grow out of grief, it’s still a part of you, it’s still there somewhere. It’s just that at some point or another you have other things to look forward to than looking back at someone who used to be a part of your life. Time will always move on; but there’s still a lot of it. There’s still time you can take to honor those who have left us. But at some point, I realized, maybe not consciously, that there is a difference between grieving and holding on to something. It shouldn’t feel like a weight on you, it shouldn’t make you feel stuck; the good memories of when they were there. You’ve got to make new ones for yourself. It’s what she would have wanted.

What I miss most about my mother is her cooking. She used to make fish sticks, fried fish in breadcrumbs. No one else makes it like that. She liked Abba, she collected it all. She had the gold Abba CD, it’s still somewhere in my house, I think. I like Abba mostly because of her. Another thing I remember about my mom is that she used to get mad at me a lot because I was a little shit. This one time I changed the alarm clock to the FM radio, and it kept playing the news and didn’t show the time and my mom was so pissed at me because no one could fix it, not even the hardware stores. Most of the time it was mom who usually showed up to my school events because dad was working. Now it’s just me, and I try not to let it get to me, I try to accept that my dad and I aren’t as close as I wish. I don’t really feel anything when it comes to these things because I still have people who I know care about me. I keep a picture of my mother in my wallet. It’s more so that I remember the emotion I felt than the actual memory, because you can forget all the specific situations, but you will never forget how someone made you feel. I felt loved. I think that’s all that matters.

I do feel appreciated when my friends’ moms care about me, because I do feel that emptiness sometimes. I don’t think it’s a pity, if it was pity then they would only do it if it was convenient. For example, I’ve seen one of my friend’s moms, she looked out for me, and I think she genuinely cared about me. I generally don’t mention my loss unless I have to. Because I don’t want to be seen as someone who has lost a parent and should be pitied. I want to be seen as the lovable idiot who is not sure what he is doing but somehow survives at the end of the day. Back then the pity I felt from the other mothers felt like an insult. I don’t like it when people think I’m not capable of something just because I’m missing my mother. That shouldn’t affect anything. Sometimes people are overly nice to you when something like this happens but it’s very short term. That’s why I never tell anyone, because I want that love and care authentically rather than being felt as an obligation. As a child I went to counseling to help me cope with my emotions. As a child I knew something had changed, something was very different, there was a fear of going back home. And what I remember was that every time someone mentioned something that was mom related, I would cry, all the time, and now it’s nothing.

With my siblings, my sister was very young, so I don’t think she remembers anything. My elder brother, he kind of mellowed out. He was very aggressive in the beginning but then he calmed down. My relationship with my elder brother wasn’t that good in the first place. Now we are okay, we talk every now and then, but back then it used to be like the Cold war, you know? Whenever we crossed paths, it was quiet. My sister and I got close as she grew up.

As an adult, of course, I do cry when I think about her but other than that there’s not many instances where I am reminded of her. To put it in a way that’s easy to understand, I stopped living for her and started doing things for me.

I guess some parts of my life she would be very happy about and some parts she would be disappointed, but there’s an unconditional love I feel. She will be proud of what I have here, being able to come to a new country and make a life for myself.

If I could talk to my mom again, I would say: 

“Hey Mom. I know this is going to be the last time I talk to you. I just want to say thank you for always loving me without question. Thank you for always putting me straight because I don’t know what I would have done without you and for a few years I don’t think I ever did know what to do without you. But now taking care of myself has taught me that sometimes you have to outgrow your parents, and I guess I outgrew you. Well, I lost you pretty soon, so I had to grow up really soon. I wish you could stay with me a bit more, just so I could fix some of my problems, but I guess life had other plans. Goodbye, I’ll see you on the other side.”

Featuring Richard Clifford

Article by Ashley; Design by Jeanette