Sometimes I wonder, what would it feel like to hold his hands in public, in the midst of a busy moving crowd among people would constantly judge you for the decisions you make and the people you choose to fall in love with? You know, with just my fingers in between the spaces of his, as I hold on tight while we walk down the street towards that same old café we had first met in months ago, where he was just another cute bystander waiting in line behind me as we waited to order? I bet it would feel good, just knowing he is there, standing very close to me and that he was never going to let go. But it is not conventional or appropriate or right to everyone else who would glare at the slightest touch and it was not something we wanted to put out there because we both knew at some point, we would have to protect ourselves.
So he stood behind me, and decided to watch out for me instead.
When it gets cold and chilly, I just want to snuggle under his arms on the couch- that same old torn couch we both paid a fortune for out of our salaries combined so that we would have a somewhat cozy and comfortable place to confide in each other after a long day. And when we are just too tired, we can just cuddle and watch TV with slices of pizzas in our hands and half-filled cups of Coke on the coffee table. I want to breathe in the strong alluring smell of his cologne and feel safe while I lay my head on his shoulders with his arms wrapped around me, regardless of where we are, be it on the train platform or in the cinema, or even in our very own bed. I want to be able to give him small little pecks on his neck in public and steal naughty kisses from him when he’s not looking, pinch on his nose cheekily or even run my fingers through his hair when he rests his head on my lap while we’re on the bus back home. I want to kiss his forehead whenever he needs to feel secure and cared for, and hold his face tight against mine when he needs someone to make him feel protected. I want to be there to wipe off the tears trailing down his cheeks after he has gone through a pretty tough day and listen to him rant about the silliest things and hear him let out all of his frustrations, regardless of what they may be. When he smiles, I want to be there to see it because I swear, it makes me smile so much more and when he cries, I want to be there to hold him and calm him down. I want to fall in love with his laughter every single day, entertain his lame jokes and put up with his bad attempts at cooking me an edible dinner, though I’d probably suggest take-away after some time. It’s the thought that counts anyway. I just wished he knew how much his presence and the little things he does mean the world to me, and how madly in love I am with him and how I just want to be his pillar of strength through good times or bad. I want to be the reason he loves doing what he does, the reason why he wants to strive for a better life and I sure as hell want him to be my motivation too. I want him to be the main reason why I’m capable of being the person that I am, even when the whole world has turned its back on me just because I was different, just because I was not as “normal” as everyone else.
Sometimes, when I’m cold, wet and messy after a long walk under the rain, I wished he would be there standing at the door with a cup of hot chocolate in his hands which I would never touch because honestly, all I would ever want after a long day is to just have him hold me tight in his arms again, with his warm skin pressed hard against mine. I want him to hold me by the waist and kiss me hard against the wooden door, and let him show much he had miss my presence and how impatient he was waiting for me to be home and when that happens, I would never want him to let go.
When he is sick and helpless, I want to be there to support and care for him, washing him after every mess, change him whenever he needs to be changed and do whatever it takes to give him hope and assure him that everything was going to be fine and he was going to be okay. I’ll drive him to the beach or wherever he wants to go, and make him cards and buy him bouquets after bouquets of flowers and fill his room with them so that he will never how to see how dull and boring the world is outside without him in it. I’ll buy him DVDs and move the couch into his room and we can do the same old things we did and he’ll never have to feel like he is weak or incapable and we can eat pizzas whenever he wanted to.
I will always want to hug him, kiss him and just genuinely love him when no one else in his life would anymore. I want to continuously tell him how handsome he looks even when his hair starts dropping or his lips start cracking. I want him to know that he is still the same young and strong boy I fell in love with every single day although he is really frail and dying because to me, he has always been and always will be my very own prince charming.
And when he goes to bed at night, I want to sit next to him and pray with him or rub his feet and tug him in because the truth is, I would never for one second try to make him feel like he was going to leave me and I was not going to abandon him like how everyone else did because I know he would do the same things for me. His fingers will always complement the spaces in between mine, no matter how thin and fragile they may look now and I will always hold on tight to his hands because deep down, I am still not ready to let him go and probably never will be. And his lips, they would be the only one I would ever want to taste because every time we kiss, he gives me butterflies in my stomach, especially when he nibbles on my upper lip playfully, and I would break into a laughter whenever he did. I am just not ready to let go.
But like all good things, every beginning would have an ending.
And when he is gone, I want him to know that he was the only person I have felt so madly in love with, and I promise to bring him daffodils and roses after church every Sunday and we can have a picnic by his tombstone where I will make sandwiches and cakes and a pot of tea and I will tell him everything including how my week went and I promise to do this every single Sunday until I finally find the courage to accept and understand that he is never going to come back and hug me again like how he always did , and no matter how much I hope and wished he would follow me back to my car and we can drive home together and live our lives like normal again, I knew for a fact he was never going to come home with me anymore but I’ll always love him no matter what and I hope he remembers that. I’ll always save him a space next to me on the couch, you know just in case he decides to come home and hold me tight again. I would do all of this for him because when the whole world pushed me away and told me I was just another abomination, he was the only person who accepted me, loved me and made me feel good about myself and gave me all the motivation and love in the world to survive and pull through and for that, I will always love him, with all my life.
Article by Anonymous