Confusion by Ashley Lim
I remember my very first crush.
I was seven. It was a boy in my Standard 1 class and obviously at that time I couldn’t grasp the concept of what a crush was. All I knew was that he was cute but I was afraid to go and interact with him, which is essentially the very basis of what a crush is supposed to be.
That laid the foundation of what I identified myself to be for the next decade. Even when i was transferred to an all-girl’s school, infamous for experimentations of lesbianism, I always identified as being heterosexual, although, unbeknowst to me at that time, maybe there were moments of hesitancy, quickly shoved aside as letting my mind wander too freely or day dreaming too much.
It was probably the way I was brought up, by relatively conservsative Asian parents and an extended family that was even more so, I was surrounded by only male-female pairings, never expecting that there would be a world outside of that.
And then I hit college, where some people were openly and unashamedly discussing fluid sexualities and liking people of the same sex. Given my lack of exposure, I wanted to clap my hands to my ears and run away because I was shocked that the possibility of being anything other than male or female was even biologically possible. And of course it wasn’t. Biologically at least. And then I learnt about gender identification, pride, bi-sexuality, transexuality, pansexuality and all sorts of terms that made my head spin.
Curiosity is an insanely good motivator and the Internet is a wonderful tool to quench that thirst.
As I googled the multitude of terms that I was being newly exposed to, I came across the term bi-curious.
This was the first thing that popped up for me in Google. Instantly I was stunned. Now, I’ve been at sleepovers with just girl friends without such thoughts popping up in my head. I’ve had friends that I absolutely love hanging out with, hugging them, holding their hands because that’s what friends do, right?
But where does friendship end and curiosity for a little bit more begin?
When did I know where to draw the line between platonic and romantic affection?
Unsure of myself I turned to books and friends that were far more knowledgeable than I. I read through articles of people who had taken that first step into the world of bi-curiosity, reading up on their experiences, how they had approached it and their reflections after it all. And I realised that there was a common thread woven into all of these stories. It was the fact that they had always, in a way, deep down knew that there had been the slightest attraction to someone of the same gender, attractions that they had not realised or had not manifested until much later.
Maybe it was the tingly, fluttery feeling of electricity that danced on their skin when they accidentally brushed up against a close friend.
Or the way they stared for a little bit too long at someone that made them blush in ways they never had before.
But I never felt the drive or the urge to be with anyone else other than someone of the opposite gender. Not that picturing myself with a woman was wrong or shameful or humiliating… it just didn’t feel like being myself.
After much soul-searching and delving deep into myself, I can now completely be assured in the fact that I’m a straight Malaysian Chinese girl. Although one of the best takeaways I can take away from this experience is that: don’t be too quick or too adamant in putting yourself in a box when you have no idea what could be out there in the world.
And never, ever be ashamed of who you were, are or can be.
I was active in Twitter roleplay between 2014-2017. I’ve explored many genres and have owned multiple accounts, but it was when I got into Anime RP that I met this girl named Ella*. The one who opened the door to the curious world of bi-curious for me….