The Twitter Girl by Honey daffodil
I was active in Twitter roleplay between 2014-2017. I’ve explored many genres and have owned multiple accounts, but it was when I got into Anime RP that I met this girl named Ella*. The one who opened the door to the curious world of bi-curious for me.
*Names have been changed to protect their identity.
Since we followed each other in the beginning, our interactions were mostly casual. Her character was an antagonist, and mine was the main heroine of the anime. Through our sarcastic banters, we quickly found ourselves interacting as our real-life selves in DMs to discuss some serious storyline involving our characters and, of course, about ourselves.
Everything became blurry after four months of role playing together. As we went on and exchanged numbers to text each other on WhatsApp, I had this feeling that we lost all sense of reality. The characters we portrayed felt like an extension of ourselves, and when we talked about real-life things, there were still traces of those characters in us.
Does that make sense?
Maybe it was her style of writing and her portrayal as a villain. Or perhaps it was how open and understanding she was as her real-life self. She was like a breath of fresh air, one that I’ve been craving for throughout my teenage years that was filled with subtle signs of emotional abuse and gaslighting. Likewise, she carried her emotional baggage as well.
We found solace in each other, and I realized it was then I asked myself, “Am I falling for her?” I couldn’t shake those feelings. I’ve had sleepless nights because I questioned how this is possible? How can it turn from having fun exchanges as fictional characters to having real feelings for a stranger I found online?
I started googling explanations for this. I stumbled upon the term bi-curious and contemplated whether I should embrace this label. It was a roller-coaster journey because for one; I thought I am destined to be straight, as what has been told by society. Man and woman, fall in love, get married and have children. Secondly, I was extremely confused as everything took place virtually. Like what if my feelings are not real?
As I am the impatient type, I went ahead and confessed to her. It was a delight knowing it wasn’t a one-sided confession as she felt the same way. Inevitably, our friendship turned into an infatuation. We hid nothing but obvious feelings of admiration and lust for one another. It wasn’t long until we declared each other as girlfriends.
For a year and a half, I identified as bi-curious because it felt the closest to me. Maybe a part of me was cautious to truly commit to being bisexual, or maybe because it was an online relationship. It could be a mix of those two.
I also felt guilty for using the label. People say it is generally used temporarily for heterosexuals, though it can extend to gay people (or non-binary!) themselves, who are on the fence whether they want to commit themselves as bisexual. I always have the overwhelming need to fully commit to something, even in terms of my sexuality, and to use a label interchangeably so carelessly, it seemed reckless to me.
But I also found that casually using this label can be problematic. Both for some who use this as an excuse to indulge in sexual fantasy, and bisexuals themselves who experience ‘bisexual invisibility, “a pervasive problem in which the existence or legitimacy of bisexuality (either in general or regarding an individual) is questioned or denied outright”.
After coming to terms with that realization, I decided to end things with her peacefully. I took the time to explain why I couldn’t continue the relationship with her. Understandably, she got upset. I didn’t explicitly tell her it was mostly guilt (from my end) for being in a relationship I thought was initially forbidden. But I truly regretted dragging her into this. Most of all, I didn’t mean to hurt her that way.
We never contacted each other again after that, and I got busy the following year for an entrance exam. But I learned that sexuality and labels are fluid. Most importantly, whatever we experience in the moment and at an individual level, is valid. For now, I can say that I’m a heterosexual.
“love always wins. love has no gender. love is love. i am born this way. i am who i am”
Happy Pride Month